04.04.2021

 

Hey Dad

Three years today. This anniversary has been the hardest.

Why is that? Why does the shock of death hurt less than an anniversary? I don’t miss you any more today than I did yesterday, there is the same sense of loss today as 3 years ago. Yet, as today approached my thoughts turned to you more often and I have felt so sad.

I notice your picture and seem to hear songs that remind me of you more than usual. I see your face reflected in windows as I walk through town. Someone whistled to their children in the park the other day, I heard your whistle echo back to me. I hear Sarah-Marie chatting endlessly to her father as he sits and relaxes after work. I know his mind wonders off while she talks, as I am sure yours would do when I did the same to you. I watch as Hollie reaches out to take her father’s hand and as her hand disappears into his I remember how my hand would disappear into yours, I remember that feeling. Feeling safe, protected, loved.

Every time Sarah plays the piano or her violin I can see you sitting quietly, listening, smiling, pride in your eyes. I am surrounded by reminders of you and I live with them every day not really seeing them, just knowing they are there and feeling secure. Like being enveloped into one of your hugs. Today when I noticed them I missed that feeling and wished I hadn’t moved the “noughts and crosses”. Hollie has a knack of saying something light hearted at just the right moment to ease the tension, it always reminds me of you. Today it just made me cry.

My family knows me well enough to know that “fussing” over me just gets under my skin, so they have been going about their days pretending not to notice I am feeling down and left me to work things through myself. This morning, while I made breakfast my family gathered around me in a group hug, enveloping me in their love. When it was over we all just went right back to what we were doing, all that was left was that feeling. Feeling safe, protected, loved!

Thanks Dad, I needed that!

SACRED MEMORY

I saw your face in the crowds today
A fleeting moment
A silent memory
and I missed you.                          

I heard your voice in a song today
A secret smile
A sacred prayer
and I missed you.                       

I felt your presence in my heart today
And there in that moment
Smiling at your memory
I missed you.                                   
Samantha Braum
                          




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